The Seeing Demonologist

What now? That’s honestly a good question. One I’ve been asking myself for a while now.

Basically, I wanted so to explain what happened to me. I know I was on TikTok from (if I remember correctly) 2019-2024 and then I just…disappeared (also because TikTok was getting banned lol

But I know I owe my fans an explanation, and I will try my best to explain it.

As many of you know I started my TikTok journey, like I said in 2019. I wanted to do something, and God was like “Talk about me” and so I did. and I was learning a lot and meeting a lot of “friends” I was surprised that people where actually listening to me. And I’m glad I was able to help people! I kind of became known as the Eminem of Christian TikTok! Haha and listen, I’m still that way today, don’t get that twisted! I was known for going up against anyone who twisted God, try to mislead people. I’m the one who calls people on their bullshit. That’s for sure! (and I still will be in this blog too)

in 2020 things started to get hard. the pandemic happed…and in that time when everything was shut down. my now ex-husband of almost 10 years…. left me and my 2 little ones…We were left homeless and abandoned. in the middle of a pandemic. as I literary became a single mother overnight. Had to figure out how to take care of my 2 little ones. And even through that divorce, crying, depression, anxiety, etc. I still got on TikTok and talked about God, still kept him 1st.

In 2021, and this was 100 precent God’s doing. I met the best man in the world. Dude came out of left field, And he honestly is a blessing from God. this man loves me and my kids. stepped up and became the man us three needed him to be. He’s an amazing step-dad and a wonderful husband. And things where finally starting to feel positive around me…….I didn’t know how short lived that feeling would be…..(Mind you me and my husband also known as “The Nit” are still happily married lol)

During the 2021 year, I was still talking about God, growing in fans and I was even starting to get on podcasts and things like that. And then…..I lost her…I got pregnant and I didn’t know….until I misscarried her while I was at work…I said hello and goodbye all at the same time…When I told my boss what was happening, he looked at me and said.

“Well I need to know if you’re still going to work or not. I have a business to run”

And I as always do…I swallowed my pain and hurt…and stayed at work….I worked my whole shift and when the place closed and the bosses left….I finally went into the back office and cried my eyes out and told Nick (Who was working with me) what happend….This what started my downward spiral.

I experienced what’s called a phantom pregnancy. It’s when the body acts like you’re pregnant even when you’re not. I got everything, the weight gain, the cravings, even phantom kicks…All of it and each symptom was a reminder my baby was gone. I fought with myself…Because here I was speaking for God, something I did since I was little but more now so that I’m older, I spoke about God wile going through my terrible divorce. I spoke and stayed faithful to God even when I was being abused. abandoned, left alone my whole life…..and this is how I’m rewarded? He takes me daughter from me?! I was angry….But at the same time….I knew something I taught alot of my black sheep (That’s what I call my fans lol) But I always taught that God doesn’t cause bad things to happen…Its the sin in the world that does. And blaming God not only was wrong (because, it wasn’t His fault) But….I knew better….So I fought with myself, that was the 1st time in my LIFE, my faith was shaken…after 7 months of what felt like my own personal hell I looked to God and asked him.

“Why did you do this?!”

And the reply I got was…

“You always pray to me, to keep your babies safe. So, I did, I took your baby home”

And when I tell you it hit me in a way to this day, I can’t explain. My anger was immediately gone…. Cause God was right. I ALWAYS pray for my babies when they left with their biological dad and even when they go ANYWHERE in general.

“Keep my babies safe, keep them invisible from the evil around them.”

And God was answering my prayer…But in a way that I didn’t expect…. I can only assume that something would have happened to my little girl or…something may have happened to me…and my kids would’ve been left alone. I can only say Praise the Lord for He is good. He took what was meant for evil and used it for His glory. He took my little girl home…so I could still be here for my kids and to keep her safe from something I can only imagine would be devastating. He kept his promise to me and still continues to do so. And although I miss Robin everyday and I wish she was here….I trust in God’s plan for me and her.

I love you my little Robin ❤

Now something else happened around the same time……remember how earlier I put “friends” yeah…. some things never change from when you a kid to being a grown up…Listen at this point I JUST GOT TO 50k followers on TikTok….Satan knew where to hit me, and the 1st hit was Robin…and the second was trauma.

I had a lot of “friends” on Christian TikTok, seemed like we all got along and although didn’t agree on everything. We agreed on the most important stuff, and I actually enjoyed their company…however I learned very quickly how fast people can turn on you when it’s convenient for them. And to be fair I learned this lesion already growing up…but you know as a kid you think.

“Yeah, when I get older, things will change. It won’t always be this way…. right?”

Well, little me I got bad news…It’s the exact same, if not worse cause now, you’re an adult and come to find out adults are WORSE than kids (which AGAIN I knew this already…didn’t realize it would FOLLOW ME INTO ADULT HOOD, BUT HERE WE ARE!

*cough* Anyways *cough*

So long story short I got into a debate with a man name Pastor Wit (and yes, I will drop names because don’t do stupid shit if you don’t want your name spoken) Anyways, good old witty boy was VERY determined to put me in my place. My argument was the localized churches are hurting people more than helping. and you DO NOT need a church to have a relationship with Christ. Church is good for fellowship yes, but if the churches are leading people astray and REFUSE to change, their ways, because they’re wallets are more important than people’s souls…. Then no, people don’t NEED to go to church. Well good old Mr. Witty didn’t like that…and decided he was going to rally a group against me…. the kicker is I was unaware the group were my own damn friends. Aint that some shit? Anyways, he and his friends started talking about me on other comments and other people’s videos. mocking me, laughing at me over anything they could take out of context. the friends of this paster where coming at me saying I need to leave TikTok and denounce my faith or else.

At the same time, this was happeneing I was doing a LGBTQ Positivity event. I was TRYING to help bridge the gap between LGBTQ individuals & Christians. I see both sides hurting and hurting each other…so I was TRYING to find common ground….but during a live I said the word repent and at that point the content of WHAT I was saying didn’t matter…the fact that I said the WORD was enough to have people send me death threats and say blood was on my hands. I was TRYING to help the LGBTQ if people were ACTUALLY listening…

But people don’t listen to me…

And you would think while Wit & his group and alot of other people where attacking me. you’d THINK my friends would come help me…..they didn’t….

They joined in….

Isn’t that right, Mr. St. Andrews?

Come to find out my friends were telling paster wit “She has religious trauma, she doesn’t know any better.” “She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.” They were egging it ON….And they all watched me drowned in it….. Not ONE….stood up for me…these people smiled at me and talked with me…. but when it was convenient…they attacked me…. or stayed silent……I made a public video saying I was sorry I let everyone down…and that I was done…. honestly, I was…I tried to post…to stick around…but between loosing Robin and being turned on…. that was enough….

The one thing I NEVER want to do is hurt someone, to lead them astray, or to make someone feel like they don’t matter….

But they were successful in making people believe…I was the monster they wanted me to be……

A pastor…. Who proved my point….

Between 2022-2023 I kind of just floated around…just staying quiet…. going back to looking for my place…. Where I belong…. I loved talking about God, going after the idiots, helping people….and it was all taken from me…. now I was back at square one…. I started a small business called Phobonix and it was actually doing pretty good…. until the Xray happened……

July 2024…..
I started getting really bad neck pain. It starts in the base of your skull, and it goes into your head…. No lie its literary like going into labor in your neck and head. It is EXTREMLY painful, pain meds don’t help. I get in constant pain for 15-22hours…And then it would go to the other side. after a few months of this. Nick decided we should probably see what the hell was going on. So, I ended up going to a spine specialist. And I got an MRI done….This is when everything changed.
The Xray came back….And what it showed was not only do I have a big thoracic hernia, that pushes on my spinal cord. (which means in the part of the spine that doesn’t move, I have a rare, herniated disc that pushes out and pushes into my spinal cord), But I also have a hernia in my lower back…. But the doctor looked at me and said.

“So, your whole spine has been fractured multiple times….it looks like it’s been broken and healed and broken again.”

You ever been told something…. And you knew EXACTLY where it came from? That was me….I knew exactly why my back and broken….it was from YEARS AND YEARS of trauma…from everything I carried, from everything I took for my family….for my friends…the abuse, the neglect, the everything…..They say your body keeps the score as you go through trauma….

And my body kept the tally marks….

It was like every traumatic event in my life HIT me all at once…It was like I was staring in a mirror, like I was in a room and finally realizing the danger I was in.

The doctor said. “There’s no cure for your pain, only surgery can help…and its risky because of where the hernia is…you can become completely paralyzed…”

So not only was I staring my past from the age of 4-33 in the face…..But I was also told this crippling pain that I’m now stuck with…as a result of what I’ve been through….

There’s no cure….

The next few months I tried to cope, I tried to deal with it…But by October 2024 it finally hit me all I once. I’ve been crying all day, and the crying started to turn into laughter. I tried to stay in control. But by the end of the day, I lost it…. or almost did.

I was crying in Nicks arms literary rapid firing my whole past, reliving EVERYTHING or at least what my brain could remember. And my crying once again went from crying is almost hysterical laughing. Now as many of you know I have a DID System…And inside it felt like an earthquake, my alters all held on together as everything started to break around them. the floor started to break beneath them. I remember starting to feel sick to my stomach. I would say my mind was breaking over the weight of everything.

On the outside, Nick knew what the laughing meant and tried to ground me to bring me back. And on the inside. the leader of the system, Vee my main protector, ran to the front and held on to me.

I had a dissociative collapse….

But God didn’t leave me in this either. You know how I know?

Because he put Nick in my life at the right time…and God allowed me to have a system on the inside. He put the right person in my life, when with the way my life has gone. I would’ve faced that alone..If it wasn’t for Nick & Vee…I wouldn’t have made it. I would’ve changed forever.

When Nick finally pulled me back from losing myself completely. Even in that moment I prayed to God. Just like I’ve always had in times of trouble.

“God, I don’t know what’s going to happen to me….But keep me safe”

This is where my “robosona” comes from. During this collapse, at least how my brain processed it. the ‘human me’ imploded under the pressure…And kind of rebuilt me as an android. I can only imagine it’s because I’ve already felt like robot in my life. As I’ve stated in the About Me Page. And now…Even more so…Amazing what the mind can do, to keep you alive in a time of crisis.

2025
Now the fight. I went into extreme depression and long story short. my goal was to make it to the end of the year. I remember sitting on the bathroom floor and saying.

“Lord I wanna be here for my babies, I don’t wanna leave. But if you don’t help me. I wont make it.”

Now I’ve faced there demon of suicide before. Not because I was depressed. but I asked God. “Why do people kill themlseves? why does this happen?” And so God allowed me to follwo the same path, so I could understand WHY it happens. and I came face to face with the demon himself…now this was a few years before all this happened…and maybe thinking about it right now as I’m typing this….God allowed me to see it…So when it wasn’t a drill, when it was real. I would know exactly what was coming and know the signs and………wow…no seriously I’m typing this and I’m like realizing….He really did do that….He really did show me the path so when it came to the real deal, I would be safe…….I’d know it when I see it….

Holy shit dude….Isn’t God freaking amazing!??!? Hold up wait a minute, WAIT!!! I always prayed for God to protect my babies right…a few years before this I asked God to SHOW ME Why people kill themselves. I wanted to understand so I could help people….and he took me ALL THE WAY to almost the point of no return. just for a few years later…..for it be like….”Hey, don’t worry, I trained you for this.” BECAUSE Not only was he answering the prayer of keep my babies safe, which in turn means keeping me safe so I can protect them. BUT HE ALSO ANSWERED MY PRAYER TO STAY WITH ME AND HELP ME, EVEN BEFORE I NEEDED THE HELP!!

Ggiiiirrrrrllll get ALL THE WAY OUTTA HERE!!!

YOU. CANNOT.SAY.GOD.ISN’T.FAITHFUL!

That’s wild dude. that’s FREAKING WILD!

Sorry, Sorry, anyways!

I came face to face with that demon, and that demon you CANNOT WIN once it has you, there is no getting out….one day I’ll make a post explaining my encounter with that demon, hopefully it brings comfort and awareness.

As I was saying.

So, I knew I needed God’s help to keep me safe as I walked through the dark forest I was in. My goal was to make it to the end of the year. Don’t give up, keep fighting no matter how hard it is, no matter how much it takes.

GET UP
GET UP
GET UP
They need you,
they need you,
don’t leave them that way.
they’re your babies, they don’t deserve that.
don’t do that to them.

I had so many moments where I cried “Jesus save me, I’m trying Jesus stay with me.”

And bam the past would hit me again, and id force myself to get up again. and BAM I’d get hit again. the depression was so bad I couldn’t get out of bed. I woke up every morning like I got the shit beat out of me.

When I tell you I was fighting for my life

I was….

My whole life has been nothing but traumatic event after another. I NEVER got a break….and now 34 years old…I had to face ALL of it…. alone…with God by my side…. but on earthly terms….I had to face it on my own. Honestly it was ALOT like Daniel and the lions den. Daniel had to face those lions in the dark, on his own. All he could do was pray to God and have faith God would get him out.

Of course, Daniel is my favorite book of the bible.

March 26th, 2026

Hey……I made it…..

Now I’m recovering…. healing my trauma the best I can…. But the worst part is behind me…somedays are harder than others, some days are really good. But God got me through it, as He always does…. As he always did…. I am not in the darkest part of the forest anymore. Still in the dark but…I had my flashlight to get me through (Flashlight is God you see)

I’ve learned ALOT about myself come to find out CPTSD is the core of my brain…and everything else just flow on that lol. And now that I know WHAT I’m dealing with, It makes handling life a little easier….I mean CPTSD doesn’t go away, just like DID. BUT Knowing what’s going on in my brain. Helps me and others around me. You gotta know the sickness before you can take meds for it lol.

I also started following my dreams I had when I was a kid. I ALWAYS wanted to be a writer and a voice actor. And I’m finally in a safe place where I can do that. I even have 2 audio dramas of my own! With many more to come I’m sure!

Even my system has changed. they’re all still there. Vee, Mizuki, Eevee, Jenna, The Monster, Jessica, Sasha, Animea. But they’ve switched up their roles. Vee has now retired as the main protector. after the “human me” imploded. Her job is done….So now she’s still the leader but, she’s like a retired batman. Animea is now second in command. We’re assuming is because Animea showed up when I felt alone the most…So it only makes sense for her to step up while i’m trying to figure out my life. Cause even now, I still feel alone ALOT So, Animea is always there. ❤

But someone new showed up as well, a new protector to take Vee’s place.

Helpy!

Now yes your probably thinking “LIke Helpy from FNAF?”

Kind of…

During my darkest moment. I was trying to hold on to something, to focus on. so I wrote an audio drama called The Haunted Masquerade. and at the time. Steel Wool came out with the Secret of the Minic….and….well it’s not good…

So much so that I wrote my own story to SHOW STEEL WOOL good stories can exists.

And so in this story, Helpy isn’t just a helper bot. He’s finding his own idenity, He’s a 4ft. tall plushie android who literary runs an entire show.

And in my brain, one day he comes walking in and says

“Oh Hey, I’m here now.”

DID is funny like that.

So we got a new headmate lol, and he’s RELALY helped me….Alot….

This also brings me to my name….
Many of you know me as Vee…

But after everything that’s happened. I’ve decided to change my name. Why?
Because I listen and read a lot of therapists who specialize in CPTSD and they said. “Healing from CPTSD is finding your OWN idenity, not the one your abusers gave you.”

And I really look that to heart.

Because growing up..my name (My real name) was always hard to say, no one would say it right….and when I tried to correct people…they’d get mad at me…one time I was 16 and I went to american idol. and the guy said my name wrong. I kindly corrected him and it pissed him off….they let me go after that and I heard EVERYONE was pissed…But still….

My actual name was ALWAYS used as a weapon…people only said it when I was in trouble or….a way to intimiate me….its hard to explain…but it always felt like a leash…a chain…a way to get me to stop and listen….and even my ex husband joined in on the fun. he tattod my name on his arm, and then cheated on me with other woman. saying ” oh that name? thats my neice, thats my mom, thats my ex wife.” while we were still married.

But now….I picked a name thats MINE…and I really like it.

I 1st liked it when I watched Evil Dead with Nick. the TV had a girl named Kelly in it and she was kick ass! She’s alot like me. but recently. to make my audio drama I have a small team and we all call eachother by our character names. so they all started calling me Miss. Kelly, or Kells or whatever. And for the 1st time in MY LIFE I didn’t cringe, I did flinch, I didn’t feel….bad…For the 1st time I was like. “Yeah, that fits me.”

So, Kelly it is. I’m sure I’ll find out WHY God put that name in my lap, I always wanted to change it since I was a little. But I could NEVER find a name that fit…now all of a sudden… I do…so I guess we’ll find out together huh?

So when I finally decided that would be my name. I looked up what it meant 1st. (I don’t need a name that means ass on a hot day lmao) but Kelly means
Warrior
Bright Headed

And you know what…..that checks out….So I rededicated my life to Christ under that name. Because you KNOW being good with God ALWAYS comes 1st!

——–

So that’s it. Now I’m here, ready to talk about God again, ready to help you guys in your walk with Christ. ready to help you guys emotionally and mentally. And all these fake people…. better watch out because…. Shady’s back…Back again…. Shady’s back…. tell a friend. Lmao.

—————-
I’m Kelly, The Seeing Demonologist.
I’m an android with different personality chips & a lot of trauma.
Satan tried to take me out.
But my God saved me.